To the one that'll never know me.

It's hard to have feelings that you can never show. It's really tough to love someone with everything you got, when they know absolutely nothing about you. You know how they say that there's only one perfect match for each one of us on this planet? Well, that perfect match for me is you. You don't know me, you'll probably never know me. My world is a completely different place than yours. I'm not sad. But it's unfair. You'll never get to know the things I could give you, you'll never get to know me. I fool myself by thinking that maybe someday, I'll somehow reach you, but you're too far away. And there's only so much I can do. When I close my eyes, when I feel the need to sing, I want to sing about you. I let the melodies float through the air and hope that you'll somehow hear my song and understand, that I was here waiting for you all along.

When I was a little girl, you used to come in my dreams, my Prince Charming. I could stay there gazing in your golden eyes for all eternity, but then the alarm clock would go off and you would fade away. Every night when I went to sleep, I secretly hoped you'd come again. And you were always there, whenever I needed you, you always had the way to scare the bad stuff away. You would sing to me the most beautiful songs, songs with no particular meaning, with words that didn't make sense but spoke to my heart. I knew since then, that you were real and not a fiction of my mind.

I'm not sad. I told myself a long time ago that I would do anything to gain a place in your heart. I'm never giving up. I know you're out there somewhere. I know you're looking for me. But just in case we never find each other, this letter is for you.

For the one that never got to know me.

She doesn't know.

Listen while reading...

She doesn't know. Even if she knew, it wouldn't make any difference.
She must never know. It's something that's never meant to be...

I hold her in my arms, but she doesn't know. I feel her breathing next to me, I feel her heartbeat next to mine. She's been here all along, but my eyes couldn't see her. My heart could feel it, but my mind had no idea. She doesn't know. She can't know. She'll run away. She can't run away, I'll be lost without her. I feel like I'm floating. This can't ever be. But somehow, even in the darkest hour, her voice lights up my world. She makes me feel alive. She'll never get to know me, we'll never do all those amazing things we could do. I could have given her everything. Whatever she wanted. But she will never know all these feelings I have buried inside of me.

I could have been the one. I was there when she didn't even know. I could have been there first. The first to love her, the first to reassure her that everything's fine. But I was naive, I was fooling myself believing that something like this would pass. Now she's taken away from me. And she has no idea.

I'm just an observer now. I watch her sleep in my arms, so peaceful and weightless. I can't help but feel that we belong... But then the morning will come and she'll leave me here wonder. I won't sleep tonight. I'll stay here like this and try to memorize every inch of her face. Every movement, her sent, her breathing...
She doesn't know. But even if she knew, it wouldn't make any difference.

The new me.

So... It's been a while... And that's because I was in a very dark place. But now I'm back. And I'm eager to live more than ever!!! And that's when inspiration comes. :)

There comes a time in your life when you stop and wonder what led you to this...routine. When that time came for me, I decided that my life was too precious to sit around and wait for miracles. I decided to take matters in my own hands.

I was always a dreamer. I used to dream of impossible places and situations, but never dared to do anything to bring me closer to those dreams coming true. But then, I realized what my life would be 10 years from now if I wouldn't achieve any of these goals. I don't like looking back and regretting things I've never done. Actually regret is the worsts feeling I've ever felt. It's not cool at all. That's why I never wanna feel this way again.

I recently watched Chris Colfer's "Struck by Lightning", best 1 hour, 24 minutes and 5 seconds of my life by the way, and it taught me things I never even thought before. If in fact, if I was in fact struck by a lightning today, I'd have done none of the things I'd like to do before I close my eyes. And that would be such a shame. Actually...that would suck.

I'm not the kind of person who settles for mediocre. I'd be miserable being somebody's wife and mother in a 2nd floor apartment. I've always pictured myself taking walks in great cities like New York, L.A., Paris, or London... That's why I'm gonna get the hell out of this black hole people like to call a country.

"A life without meaning, without drive or focus, without dreams or goals, isn't a life worth living."
- Chris Colfer as Carson Phillips in "Struck by Lightning"

This is my "dreamy sunset".

I had a dream...

So I had a dream last night. It was all I wanted for us, and everything we could never have... You were there, when all was lost, and with just one look you gave me everything. You didn't care about anything else, you just wanted me. And no one was gonna get in our way. You held me in your arms and you admitted everything you were denying for the sake of others. You kissed me, and for the first time I felt your lips joining mine. If only half of this were true. I would be the happiest person in this world.

I guess some things are only meant to exist in people's imagination...

Goodbye.

   I close my eyes... Every memory we made together passes before me. You were always there when I needed comfort, guidance, or just someone to listen. You were my parent, my friend, my protector, my lover. Everything I needed. Everything I ever dreamed of. No measure of time will ever be enough to make me forget all the feelings I have for you. My first love.

   I really knew very little before I loved you. I was another person. You changed me. You made me see things in a different way, a less childish one. I'm sad. But at the same time, I'm happy, too. I know there always will be a part of me in you. And I will always have a part of you, a part that I will treasure until my dying day. Because you made me realise what true love feels like. You loved me and accepted me without asking back. You gave me so much and I will always be grateful. It scares me that I have to go on without you but somehow I know I'll make it. I smile and wish that years from now we'll look back and have all those great memories.

I will always love you. I will always be grateful for all the things you gave me. I will always thank God for you coming into my life.

My one and only First Love.

For you.

(This entry will probably be the most embarrassing thing I'm ever gonna do. But it's 5 am and I'm feeling blue, so I'm gonna suck it up and continue.)

There come times, that you meet someone that's a perfect match for you. You look at them and you find all the answers. There's that connection between you, that you can start a conversation just by staring at each other. You share everything, and you know you can count on them. No, I'm not talking about lovers. I'm talking about friendship. The real deal.

I had that once. I had that perfect eye thing and the sharing and everything. I had a person that I loved dearly and even though it's been years since the last time we hung out, I still think of her every single day. Because she's always in front of me. She's my measurement: I always compare people to her and her "perfectness".
I find it difficult to remember the exact things I loved about her... It's been so long. What I know is that everytime I think about her, I feel nostalgic and all of a sudden, lonely. I never had that bond with anyone else, only her. (no offense current friends, I love you but... It's just not the same.)

Dear friend,
I doubt that you ever think of me. Life's been kind enough to give you happiness, so you wouldn't have to look back. But the truth is that since I lost you, my world fell apart. You were the only one who got me. With you, I was myself, I didn't have to hide, or pretend. You knew me....
I'm happy for you... But I pity myself for never getting over you.  I love you.

A Child's Kingdom

Remember back, when we were just little kids, we thought we could easily conquer the world... So long ago... It's been that long since I dreamed of something impossible. For me, dreaming is down to things I can easily do, because I lost my faith to believe long before I even realised. Life's been hard, and my childhood somehow seems like several lifetimes ago. When I was a young girl, I had only one goal: To reach the stars. I wanted to fly so high, that I could touch the angels. Then that dream was replaced by other ones, smaller and irrelevant to my previous goal. Suddenly, I was somebody's role model, and somebody's girlfriend and everybody's expect-to-turn-out-as-we-aprove person. I lost my way and I forgot about what I really was. All those childish dreams, of Kingdoms and princes, ended up being just a blur in my memory. And here I am now, regreting every moment of giving up. Regrerting the fact that even though I was meant to do great things, I'm sitting here lonely and complaining about my life. I'm the only one who gave up on that little girl's dreams. Now the kingdom is ruined and the prince is turned into a frightening beast. And the only thing that can fix all this is faith. Faith in me. I 'm tired of regreting things I never did. It's time to make new dreams, big ones. And never regret or look back again.