The new me.

So... It's been a while... And that's because I was in a very dark place. But now I'm back. And I'm eager to live more than ever!!! And that's when inspiration comes. :)

There comes a time in your life when you stop and wonder what led you to this...routine. When that time came for me, I decided that my life was too precious to sit around and wait for miracles. I decided to take matters in my own hands.

I was always a dreamer. I used to dream of impossible places and situations, but never dared to do anything to bring me closer to those dreams coming true. But then, I realized what my life would be 10 years from now if I wouldn't achieve any of these goals. I don't like looking back and regretting things I've never done. Actually regret is the worsts feeling I've ever felt. It's not cool at all. That's why I never wanna feel this way again.

I recently watched Chris Colfer's "Struck by Lightning", best 1 hour, 24 minutes and 5 seconds of my life by the way, and it taught me things I never even thought before. If in fact, if I was in fact struck by a lightning today, I'd have done none of the things I'd like to do before I close my eyes. And that would be such a shame. Actually...that would suck.

I'm not the kind of person who settles for mediocre. I'd be miserable being somebody's wife and mother in a 2nd floor apartment. I've always pictured myself taking walks in great cities like New York, L.A., Paris, or London... That's why I'm gonna get the hell out of this black hole people like to call a country.

"A life without meaning, without drive or focus, without dreams or goals, isn't a life worth living."
- Chris Colfer as Carson Phillips in "Struck by Lightning"

This is my "dreamy sunset".

I had a dream...

So I had a dream last night. It was all I wanted for us, and everything we could never have... You were there, when all was lost, and with just one look you gave me everything. You didn't care about anything else, you just wanted me. And no one was gonna get in our way. You held me in your arms and you admitted everything you were denying for the sake of others. You kissed me, and for the first time I felt your lips joining mine. If only half of this were true. I would be the happiest person in this world.

I guess some things are only meant to exist in people's imagination...

Goodbye.

   I close my eyes... Every memory we made together passes before me. You were always there when I needed comfort, guidance, or just someone to listen. You were my parent, my friend, my protector, my lover. Everything I needed. Everything I ever dreamed of. No measure of time will ever be enough to make me forget all the feelings I have for you. My first love.

   I really knew very little before I loved you. I was another person. You changed me. You made me see things in a different way, a less childish one. I'm sad. But at the same time, I'm happy, too. I know there always will be a part of me in you. And I will always have a part of you, a part that I will treasure until my dying day. Because you made me realise what true love feels like. You loved me and accepted me without asking back. You gave me so much and I will always be grateful. It scares me that I have to go on without you but somehow I know I'll make it. I smile and wish that years from now we'll look back and have all those great memories.

I will always love you. I will always be grateful for all the things you gave me. I will always thank God for you coming into my life.

My one and only First Love.

For you.

(This entry will probably be the most embarrassing thing I'm ever gonna do. But it's 5 am and I'm feeling blue, so I'm gonna suck it up and continue.)

There come times, that you meet someone that's a perfect match for you. You look at them and you find all the answers. There's that connection between you, that you can start a conversation just by staring at each other. You share everything, and you know you can count on them. No, I'm not talking about lovers. I'm talking about friendship. The real deal.

I had that once. I had that perfect eye thing and the sharing and everything. I had a person that I loved dearly and even though it's been years since the last time we hung out, I still think of her every single day. Because she's always in front of me. She's my measurement: I always compare people to her and her "perfectness".
I find it difficult to remember the exact things I loved about her... It's been so long. What I know is that everytime I think about her, I feel nostalgic and all of a sudden, lonely. I never had that bond with anyone else, only her. (no offense current friends, I love you but... It's just not the same.)

Dear friend,
I doubt that you ever think of me. Life's been kind enough to give you happiness, so you wouldn't have to look back. But the truth is that since I lost you, my world fell apart. You were the only one who got me. With you, I was myself, I didn't have to hide, or pretend. You knew me....
I'm happy for you... But I pity myself for never getting over you.  I love you.

A Child's Kingdom

Remember back, when we were just little kids, we thought we could easily conquer the world... So long ago... It's been that long since I dreamed of something impossible. For me, dreaming is down to things I can easily do, because I lost my faith to believe long before I even realised. Life's been hard, and my childhood somehow seems like several lifetimes ago. When I was a young girl, I had only one goal: To reach the stars. I wanted to fly so high, that I could touch the angels. Then that dream was replaced by other ones, smaller and irrelevant to my previous goal. Suddenly, I was somebody's role model, and somebody's girlfriend and everybody's expect-to-turn-out-as-we-aprove person. I lost my way and I forgot about what I really was. All those childish dreams, of Kingdoms and princes, ended up being just a blur in my memory. And here I am now, regreting every moment of giving up. Regrerting the fact that even though I was meant to do great things, I'm sitting here lonely and complaining about my life. I'm the only one who gave up on that little girl's dreams. Now the kingdom is ruined and the prince is turned into a frightening beast. And the only thing that can fix all this is faith. Faith in me. I 'm tired of regreting things I never did. It's time to make new dreams, big ones. And never regret or look back again.

Kinda... Romantic.

It was the end of a crazy weekend. Friends, music, sun... Everything seemed so perfect, it was almost a pity to end.
She was lying on the bed with her eyes closed, even though she wasn't sleeping. She was so beautiful that way, so in peace with everything around her. Her hair, all messed up from an evening on the beach, were reflecting the orange light of the setting sun. God... It was like having everything I ever wanted at the tips of my fingers. Her lips were whispering the lyrics of the song that was playing on the radio. I could easily gaze at this picture my entire life.
Then, she opened her eyes. I've made no sound until then, but I could swear she already knew I was there. She looked at me and smiled. Her smile could melt all the ice in the universe... I felt so lucky... So lucky I got the chance to have this angel in my life. Sometimes I would feel it was too much...
I realized what I was doing up until she opened her eyes and felt so silly I blushed. She smiled once more and closed her eyes again. I placed myself next to her. I could feel her breath, her heart beating... The warmth of her skin. She moved towards me and put her head on my shoulder. Finally, she broke the silence: "I knew you were gazing. I felt your presence long before you even knew I was awake. It's really sweet... and kind of romantic, you know..."
I could hide in a cave for the rest of time. I was so embarrassed… Why did I have to stand there an stare at her like that?.. The craziest thing was that she didn’t think it was weird. She actually thought it was cute.
She took my hand into hers and kissed it, while making a "puurrring" sound. She always knew how to manipulate me.
From that moment on, I was enslaved by her golden eyes. She kissed my neck, then my lips... I was unable to move. I wanted to hold her like this all night. I pressed myself even closer to her, making clear that I didn't want to leave. Ever.
The next morning I woke up and found her gazing at me. She was right. It was really sweet. And... Kinda Romantic.

"A river flows in you"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-4wUfZD6oc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The moonlight entered the open window. She was waiting again, another night lost in the memory of their love, in agony if he would ever come back. A light breeze moved her golden hair and a scent of spring filled the entire room. He was here, but somehow his presence seemed so far away... Her eyes, unable to keep the tears in any longer, let go and the precious droplets of her soul met the cool floor. What wouldn't she give... For just once... To be able to feel his warmth, his heart pulsing in perfect synchronization with hers... But he was gone... She knew it from the very first moment. The night took him away.

Another breeze, a more intense one, swirled in the room. This one had the scent of love, yet she could feel the despair flowing in every breath she took in. He was here. Hidden in the shadows of the low-lighted room, a pale figure show up. It was him. She recognized his blue eyes, those eyes she could voluntarily lost herself into forever. Those eyes that were once looking at her with so much love, that a human would be overwhelmed. He was just standing there, a cold statue, unable to speak or make any move. He was afraid of what he could do...
Finally, he moved forward from the shadows, and took her in his arms. Gently, like a mother holds her baby for the first time, terrified not to break it. She felt so secure in those familiar arms. He run his fingers through her hair and unable to resist his instincts, he smelled them. They smelled like summer, like the warm golden sun that could give life to everything, even to revive the most withered flowers. She clung even closer on him, affraid of letting go. She looked in his eyes, it was like he wanted to touch her soul. He kissed her, so soft and passionate at the same time, wanting to give it all away with just one kiss. He would explain everything, why he was away, why he had to leave and never come back, for her sake... He didn't say a word. She understood. They both moved in perfect pace, he took her in his arms and lay her down to her bed. They stayed like this until the sun rose.

When she woke up, it was almost noon. She was peaceful, somehow her pain was taken away. She wondered for an instant, about the dream she... no. It was reality. He was here. He wanted to be forgotten. Tears ran down her cheeks... "I will never forget you" she murmured. "I will always be here, waiting for you by the window, until you decide it's safe again. Time doesn't matter. I'm yours."